Alaska

Ahhh, Alaska. How funny that a state should be responsible for such a state of change within. But it is how it went. I do know that parts of this came directly from the state itself & the fulfillment of a long held desire. However, much of the shift happened because of the people I was with & the person I allowed myself to be.

I arrived in Alaska & met a group of women who would help me find myself in ways they don't even realize. I built houses for wonderfully deserving families. I poured myself into every part of the trip. The travels, the building, the relationships, the laughs....basically, I found my first experience of truly living in the present. I also found me. The me I hadn't been in so long. The me I really love. The me that I think is fun & happy & true.

On this trip, I was allowed to stop being the girlfriend and the mother (note-I have no children so one can conclude that the role of mother was an apparent adjunct to girlfriend that I didn't realize was in the contract when I signed up). I was allowed to let go of worrying about the itinerary. I was allowed to laugh, laugh hard. & I needed it.

While I could never put into words what that trip was or how the memories stay warmly in my heart to this day or what a huge step it was in my own personal journey, I can say that I am thankful every day that I ventured out into the world.

On this trip, sleeping on the floor of a church, I experienced profound growth. Profound growth that happened by simply living simple. Odd that letting go, that stopping all the trying, should actually yield more than when you try so hard to force your life to fit into a picture you have in your mind. While on this trip, I received an answer to a question that was dwelling deep within my heart. Yes, I got the answer in a church during a service--but call it what you will--God? My future self? Crazy voices in my head? Who knows! I know what I think it was, however it doesn't matter. What matters is that I finally let myself surrender for the first time. I let myself ask what the hell I was going to do, how I was going to fix everything, how to stop being the person I did not like. The answer was simple & while I would not have recognized it as surrender then, I know that is what it was now. In the deepest part of myself I felt an answer.

Don't worry. Let it go. Your life will be what it's meant to be & it will be wonderful.

Cliche? For sure! Cheesy? Yep! But it's not about the words; it's about the feeling. I'm not even fully sure that these were the exact words, but I am sure of the feeling this answer within provoked. I can still feel it now. It feels like a lump in your throat & a swelling of your heart. It feels like such pure joy that it brings tears to my eyes. So screw WHAT the words are; it's about what they make me FEEL; it's about what the words GIVE to me. I'm pretty sure that up until that moment in my life, I had rarely lived fully in the present. I also know that there were few days before then that I felt ok with letting go of my worry. I have been a worrier since I was a child. I do it instinctively & man, do I do it well. I worry in good & productive ways but also in destructive ways. It felt amazing to give myself permission to let it go. To not feel the burden that I had carried with me for as long as I had known. It was a release in a way that profoundly affected me. (spoiler-I did not do so well holding on to this in my 'real life'...but later I would feel this again, this time embedded in my everyday...but that's a ways away!)

So aside from this wonderful moment, there was of course my team of women. The women I met on this trip are amazing, wonderfully strong, inspiring women. They will be lifelong loves of my life....no matter how long we might go between talking! At the end of our trip, we each wrote messages for each other that we were not given until we left on the plane. I read mine as we took off from Alaska heading back to my 'real life'. I cried on the plane. I wanted to see myself the way I felt on this trip. I wanted to see myself the way these women got to see me. Reading some of their notes, I knew that they knew an Alexa that some people back home didn't. And what a shame as I liked her so much better. Here is a small snippet of what they saw:

'You are by far one of the most genuinely happy/fun-loving people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.'

'Thanks for making me laugh morning, noon & night. I don't think I've laughed so much in a long long time. You don't know how much I needed that.'

'Thanks for providing so much comic relief during the trip. I have laughed away years of tears and sadness with you!'

There are more. However...

But yes, I really liked that girl. On the plane, I prayed I could hold onto her. That I wouldn't let life take her away. That problems had been solved.

When I got home, it was hard. I missed the women on my trip. I missed Alaska. I missed everything. I cried. A lot. I wanted to hold that trip (the feelings, the experiences, all of it) in my being. I wanted that trip to be my 'real life'. I could see that I was going to have a challenge to hang on to what I had gained. I sensed it slipping away. And yes, it did.