If I Could Just

So. I was back to my real life. My escape had ended & I remember the moment I realized that the escape Alaska had provided drifted away. The memories & the hope of returning to that feeling existed, but it was simply that. Memories & hope. I fell into my routine. Threw myself into my job. Worked endlessly at a relationship that wasn't working. Believed truly & deeply that 'if I could just...' all would be fine.

'If I could just...' became a motto for me. I did what I could do because I could. Meaning I did everything that I did well-my job, creating a home, coming up with plans to fix things. Again. I was working on the wrong things. I would only later (a year & a half later) realize what I was really doing. Avoiding. Avoiding the late night tears. Avoiding the pit in my stomach telling me something was wrong. Avoiding the whispers in the ears of my soul that something was indeed wrong & that the only true way to fix it was to admit that there was no fixing it. Avoiding starting over.

This scared me most. How could I start over at 27? I had built a life with someone for 5 years. Surely that meant there had to be a way to fix things without demolishing all things a part of it. So I began working on my 'If I Could Just'. Which I will tell you might just be the complete opposite of 'A Wish to Grow'. Your 'If I Could Just' lives in you as well. & yes, if you feed it, it will grow. It is your desire to avoid facing the facts & just make things fit. It is a place in you that does what you think you are 'supposed' to do. It is also a place of severe self-doubt. Your 'If I Could Just' thrives on your self-doubt~it could not exist if you didn't question yourself & believe that there was something YOU were doing wrong. So this pocket of self-doubt returned. Gone was what I had gained from my trip. Gone was any investment in myself. I was focused on him; on him & me together. He was focused solely on himself. Which means, no one was focused on me. & yes, I had many moments of 'if I could just...' then that would change. Which I know now was foolish. It would never change. I was hoping there was something I could do to change the small things in order to avoid changing the large things. This only lasts for so long.

So amidst all of this agonizing through my avoidance phase, I had a moment. A moment that I knew happened even though I pretended for at least 6 more months didn't happen. But it did. In the quiet of my room one night. While I lay in bed. I found myself thinking. & what I thought made me cry. I thought...

Where did you go? You don't even seem to exist anymore except to keep shocking life back into something that has so clearly flat lined. You have to start over. You have to let it go.

As I said, I did not listen to these thoughts until months later. But they happened. I cried. Cried hard. & shoved them into the recesses of myself & scolded them for even showing their face. Because, seriously. Was I really able to start over? No. At that time, I truly could not. I HAD to. But right then I couldn't. I was a shell. I was missing vital pieces & alone I'd never make it. Having someone, even the wrong someone, was necessary. Because, simply, I didn't even know if there was enough to who I was to even stand on my own two feet.

So while I did not start over that night, I think I did quiet my 'If I Could Just'. I still worked at things, but I didn't put it all on my shoulders. I allowed myself to recognize that I was not to blame for everything. I started, slowly...very slowly, to put some substance back into myself. Subconsciously, I must have been preparing to leave. Like pregnant women who 'nest' & ready the house. Like a hostess who cleans even parts guests won't see. It's all about the prep work. I was prepping myself, even though I had no idea I was doing so. I was finding enough weight to who I was in order to stand on my own. And after 5 years, it took some time.

I do to this day still check in with myself to see that I am not feeding my 'If I Could Just'. It unfortunately is natural to have some self-doubt at times, but it can be harmful when you put the weight of the world on your shoulders...even just the weight of someone or something else on your shoulders is enough to be detrimental to who you are & your Wish to Grow. It's as though they are your internal angel & devil. Your dueling wolves. Yes. Your wolves. There is a Cherokee legend that goes as follows:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

So, take a moment. No, take more than that & check in with yourself. Look at which wolf you are feeding. Determine who you are listening to-the angel or the devil. Are you embracing your Wish to Grow or are you living in your If I Could Just? Decide. Right now. This moment. To give yourself a gift. Let every decision, every feeling, as much as you can, come from the place that uplifts you. The place that keeps you whole. The place that is so uniquely you. I know what it is to lose this place. To feed the wrong wolf. I'm sure we all do. But I can also say that anyone is able to change this. Each passing moment, each breath you take, is a moment to turn it all around. Start NOW.