Yes. Freedom is what I felt.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not heartless & I was not rejoicing after ending a 5 & 1/2 year relationship. I cried A LOT. A LOT before I even ended it. I was sad.
But I did feel a sense of freedom. Perhaps it was the month of living together after having broken up that really turned my sadness into annoyance into frustration & finally into (once he'd moved out) freedom. Trust me. Living with an ex can be not just awkward, it seems to speed the healing process along quite a bit. Because what the hell?! When it's done, the last thing you want to do is sit around watching prime-time sitcoms with your ex who you now notice chews WAY too loud & seriously doesn't seem to find the situation awkward AT ALL, making you wonder if he's even looked for a place to live, causing you to almost offer to check craigslist for him before realizing that would be the same crap you did for him when you were together & I'll be damned if I'm mothering someone who's not even my boyfriend & OH GOOD GOD HOW CAN YOU CHEW THAT LOUD WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED?!?!?!?!
So yes, after a month I was ready to be left alone in my apartment. & yes, I felt a little bit free. I think I embraced that feeling because I knew if I didn't, all I'd find was that scary image of old cat-lady rearing her ugly head saying 'tsk, tsk, tsk'. Ugh I hate that woman. The cat lady I'm likely to become because I let go of something that really wasn't THAT bad. I mean, how loud could his chewing have really been anyway?? (See what I mean? embrace the freedom or old cat lady makes you rethink wise choices!)
I embraced my freedom by working out again (how the heck had this relationship made me THIS size? Seriously it must be a typo on the tag!), writing poetry again (seriously BLEW THE DUST off my writing journal) & reassuring people that I was actually ok & did not need to GRIEVE the relationship (this was not a hobby meant to help me regain my self, but merely something to deal with because apparently someone sends out in a flier to all your friends, oh & your BOSS, when you get out of a relationship).
(Honestly, later I will realize there was indeed some grieving to do, just not for the relationship, for the me I had let go of....but I did not know this at this time & therefore all those comments were ridiculous & tiresome & seriously, people just did not get how strong I was.)
I believed whole-heartedly that I was embracing my freedom & really getting back to 'me'. In some ways I was. In other ways, though, the cat lady was only shoved so far down, not far enough really. Because while, yes I was embracing 'me' things, I was also VERY concerned about how the hell you meet anyone at *GULP* 29 years old!!!
My mother said I'd meet friends of my friends. I answered by saying I'd met all my friends' friends & that it wasn't going to happen.
Enter the rebound. I met him out with one of my friends. She was friends with him. Technically I was too (I knew him in high school...he was younger than me....his brother was a year older than me....in high school I thought his brother was hot....not sure if that equals friends really). So yes, my mother was right. My friends would know people. I would meet them. I would dazzle them with my conversations about greatest concerts ever attended & have a hilarious dance moment with some hippie dude that makes him laugh & leave the same night with an invitation to see a concert a week later. See? Meeting people was easy. Shove it, Cat Lady!
But really? While the next few months really were rebound months & while there were obvious reasons why not him....I'm not the type to enter something I think is a rebound....I mean, if I'm already counting it out in the beginning, why begin. Ahh, so naive. To think I had somehow been the one to avoid needing a rebound.
Rebound it was. It was fun. It was filled with nights out & lots of laughs. It was filled with freedom & let's just see how things go. (It was also filled with moments of, hmmm never thought the guy I'd end up with would ____________ (various items could fill in this blank), & ok so that's not perfect, but who knows....) How I did not clearly see that this was a rebound, I'm not sure. It had all the signs. It's not that I thought it was IT. I clearly knew it wasn't. However, after what I had been through, fun was good. I hadn't had a lot of fun in a while. (I know, ridiculous I didn't get that it was a rebound, I know!)
However, I did realize it was a rebound when it didn't work out. When the guy who said every girl he dated got engaged to the next guy she dated said he wasn't so sure about dating anymore since at our age we no longer can date recreationally. Ugh. It felt like a punch to the stomach. Because A. the 'at our age' comment only gave the cat lady hope & B. because seriously, recreational dating?!? Was I now someone who dated just for fun & had to be reminded that at my age I should be looking for more than just fun? Was our hanging out comparable to playing soccer or going camping? Something fun when you're younger but as you get older just gets almost embarrassing when attempted?
Oh God. I had recreational dated. I rebounded. Gross. Gross. Gross. It happened & I wasn't even aware of it. Oh Lord, Alexa. You MUST start paying attention to your life, girl!
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